Underbelly of the Underarms: The Smelly Truth About Deodorant

We’ve all been there, maybe in class, maybe at work, maybe just having a casual conversations with someone. You think to yourself, “Is it hot in here? Oh my god am I sweating? Who killed Tupac? Wait did I put on deodorant?” Now you panic, you get hotter, you sweat, you get trapped in some terrible moist feedback loop that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Your crush finally talks to you? Too bad! Your friends finally want to try that taco place down the street? Not until you dam up these waterfalls pouring out from under your arms. Wanna take off the sweatshirt? What, and show everyone the Rorschach Test forming through your shirt, f*** that noise! You realize Justin Bieber was actually singing about his deodorant related problems in “Where Are U Now.” Suddenly the words speak to you on a level you thought was reserved for disney movies and anything involving cheese.

Even when you remember to use deodorant it can ruin your day. You’re there, in your bathroom, going through your morning routine; you brushed your teeth and managed to avoid stabbing yourself in the gums, you put your contacts in on the first try, even your favorite pair of underwear is clean which is quite the miracle in all honesty. All in all, a good morning, until you go to open your goddamn deodorant and BOOM! It explodes. Everywhere. Every-F***ing-Where. You don’t remember when you swapped your deodorant for napalm but now you're out of time and deodorant cause let’s be honest, only serial killers buy deodorant in two packs. Full of frustration and shame you try to shove the deodorant back together. Halfway through piecing it together you realize this is actual a metaphor for how your life is going. Just trying to put the pieces back, praying it stays together long enough for you to fool someone into giving you a job. This is the dark side of deodorant, the thin line most of us believes separates us from animals is actually an inconvenient, stress inducing, nightmare. Don’t get me wrong the world would turn into Mad Max level chaos if we all stopped wearing deodorant, that doesn’t mean I have to like it.