The Blog Equivalent to that Terrible "As We Go On " Graduation Song

During the time I was in high school our school was lucky enough to not have a major tragedy. It seems like a lot of high schools have that “I can’t believe that happened, life is so fragile” event that shakes the school to it's core. We were lucky. My sister’s school had five student pass away in one year. I realized how fortunate we were back when I was still in high school. But over the past two years we’ve seen five people pass away, the most recent being just a week ago. It sucks, there’s no way around it. It’s terrible seeing the wake that someone’s death leaves behind, especially in the age of social media. Weeks, months, even years after they pass seeing them pop up in your timeline is a bittersweet experience. For a split second you forget that they aren’t around anymore. It feels like they still exist in this weird medium we’ve created, someone can still tag them, their page is still there, it’s a very surreal experience.

When people pass away there is a lot of introspection that goes on. Each time one of these people died, I thought about my relationship with them. From when we first met, one going as far back as third grade, to where we inevitably parted ways. This is where I had the most difficulty. With all of these people we had gone down different path and hadn’t talked since high school, which is over four years ago now. A lot had changed. We had all developed and grown in those years and it was cool to see what they were accomplishing. But, I always felt weird about saying something.

I always appreciated what they were doing but felt that we had grown too far apart to say anything without it coming across as odd. Seeing one of them go off to serve in the Marine Corps was humbling, but i never said anything. Seeing one of their budding music careers develop (even though their constant posts flooded my newsfeed) was an inspiration to work harder, but I never said anything. Seeing another win bodybuilding competitions and then overcome cancer made me question my mental and physical strength because I was in awe of theirs, but I never said anything. Realizing that my high school wrestling coach showed me that working hard and being a silly goose were not mutually exclusive but still, I never said anything. It sucks when you look back at all the things you could have said but didn’t. But what is fucking me up the most is knowing what I should say now but am not.

There’s a fear I have, rational or not, that I’m bothering people. That even my mere “thank you” is such an inconvenience that I’m better off not saying anything and letting both of our lives continue on, undisturbed. Thinking that I’m so easily forgettable that even shared experiences we had are so insignificant in their life that my commenting on them makes me seem weird for bringing them up. I have a pretty good feeling that this is an irrational fear but it’s still enough to induce a mild panic attack every time I think about reaching out to people. I try to use the lessons I thought I learned through the passing of these five people but it never seems to get easier. Am I the only one that battles this? How many other people think about someone and can’t seem to find the courage to message them and see how their doing? How do you get back in touch with people you feel like you’ve lost contact with? I wish there was a handbook for this shit.

I’m really trying to improve on this front. I don’t want to see another one of my friends die, no matter when the last time we talked was, without me saying that I was proud of them or at least was thinking about them and hope they are doing alright. As I’m writing this, I sent out a message to two people that I haven’t spoke with in a LONG time but were really close with at one time. And even though my palms were sweating and arms were heavy (maybe even knees weak), I sent them out. I don’t know if they’ll respond but I at least feel a little bit better knowing that I did, in fact, say something. I will actively try to keep in better contact with people or at least let people know that they had a meaningful impact on my life before we have to inevitably part ways.

If you’re reading this you’ve probably had an impact on my life (as I am not famous nor relevant enough to have strangers reading this). If I’ve never said it before, and even if I have, thank you. I’m happy with the person I am today and I wouldn’t be in this exact spot without meeting you.

And if you ever wonder what I’m up to, I’m probably staring at a keyboard sweating at the palms debating whether or not you remember me enough to message you to see how you’re doing.